2012 Vanity Fair Oscar Party Red Carpet

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt in Johanna Johnson

We’d like her dress a lot more if it didn’t have that plunging neckline. He looks perfect.

Kate Bosworth in Prabal Gurung

Hold us, kittens. That is one frightening dress.

Miley Cyrus in Roberto Cavalli

Aw, let’s hear it for the old gal! Seventy-eight years YOUNG!

Paula Patton in Naeem Khan

CANNOT STAND how she poses on the red carpet. This isn’t the Adult Video Awards, honey. Stop looking at every camera like you want to blow it.
Her skirt’s too high and her babyheads are squealing in pain.

Rachel Zoe

Simple, but impeccably styled, of course. We don’t love the hair, but it’s her signature look and we probably wouldn’t recognize her if she wore it up or blew it out.

Sean Combs

Anyone catch him getting out of his limo and getting the full lint-roll from some sycophant? We want that. We want to get out of limos and have some queen be there waiting for us with a lint roller.
Pants need hemming.

Shailene Woodley in Proenza Schouler

Cute dress. Horribly matchy shoes.

Zoe Saldana in Marios Schwab

Our disappointment is a bottomless well of grief. Easily the worst she’s ever looked. We’re going to spend the rest of the afternoon drinking this memory away.

Abbie Cornish in Tommy Hilfiger

Simple and perfect.

Amy Adams in Vivienne Westwood

Wow. This is kind of a departure for her. The skirt’s weird and the shoes take it into cougar territory, though. Above the knees, she looks great.

Anderson Cooper

Perfection. Why’d you have to ruin it by putting your hand in your pocket?

Bradley Cooper

Not loving the fit, which makes him look thick around the middle. It’s possible Bradley has a little gut, but let’s face it: it’s not very likely.

Cameron Diaz in Victoria Beckham

Fan-fucking-tastic color on her.

Chris Evans

Oh, come ON. We don’t give a shit how hot you are, you don’t pose on the red carpet like a groomsman at the end of the night. Jacket buttoned, hands at your side. It’s for all of 5 minutes, tops. You delicate studs should be able to handle it since the ladies are all tottering around on heels that practically guarantee foot surgery before they turn sixty.

Elizabeth Banks in Chadwick Bell

It’s such an unusual dress that we kind of love it just for being unusual. It’s a bit much, but the Vanity Fair party is where “a bit much” goes to die.

Elizabeth Olsen in Christian Dior

Hate the skirt, hate the purse, hate the miserable puss.

January Jones in Wes Gordon

Another dress that’s so weird we almost love it just for being weird.
We said “almost.” Love the colors on her and love the skirt and leather sash, but the top is fussy and messy. Kinda digging the “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?” hair.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad Couture

It’s like someone took her Oscars dress and dumped pig’s blood on it.
Having said that, she looks spectacular.
Darlings, it was the Vanity Fair Oscar party! Where people who weren’t invited to the main event get dressed up and people who were invited to the main event get dressed down! Let’s judge!